Re: "Hello Jeff" (archive)

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I nominate myself as the most twisted individual on this board. Bold statement considering the competition (you know who you are) but see if this changes your mind. This isn�t a very short story so if you have the attention span of a housefly, stop here and hit the back button in your browser (that is the arrow pointing to the left just above). You have been warned!

I was walking through Pick�n Pull one day, minding my own business, just looking for some parts for my brothers 77 MG. All of the sudden out of the corner of my eye I spot a four door 87 325e and my heart skipped a beat.
�That wasn�t here last week!� I thought.
Then the voice of reason kicked in and said �the car has probably been stripped to the gills already�.
Since I rarely listen to reason I moved in for the kill. As I approached all I could think about was how I would shuffle my bills around to afford the possible treasures awaiting me in that e-30. Once I saw the car up close I was thinking �what bills?� Andy, you think your BMW spending habits are bad?

>Four-wheel disc brakes with vented front rotors (you would have to own a 84-85 318i to appreciate this as I do)
>Complete rear end (have to have the trailing arms for the rear disc calipers)
>All electric windows, locks and wiring harnesses, no switches (I am too pretty for manual labor)
>Gorgeous dash (which I now need since my car was broken into)
>Cruise control (again, too pretty)
>Every possible relay imaginable (don�t need them but what the hell)
Needless to say I got a woody!
I couldn�t believe it. Usually these cars ravaged like a white-collar criminal in his first night in prison. "Raped" is the Pick�n Pull term. This was a gift from the BMW God�s and I took heed! Four hours later I exited the place with everything listed and more. My ATM card fortunately cleared for the amount of 287.00 bucks (I love Pick�n Pull). I had two of their wheel barrels so loaded down that I don�t think they actually charged me for the front brakes (I refuse to look at the receipt so my conscience wouldn�t guilt me.) Good thing considering my ATM cards limit is $300 a day. As I made my way out of the place wondering if I could afford my tuition for fall classes, a tear started to well up in my right eye. Dust.
How in the hell was I going to fit a complete rear end into my trunk? I left it together because I didn�t have all the tools I needed with me and the complete rear end was 100 bucks cheaper than the individual parts would have been. I have a 4:10 LS diff, what good is a 2:91 diff going to do a 318i other than burn out the clutch in a week. Anyone want a paperwieght, I'll send it postage due. It isn't even limited slip!
To make it worst we weren�t allowed to take the wheel barrels past the entrance. But considering my fortune that day I decided not to cry about it and consider myself lucky. Don�t want to anger the gods!
After eating a delicious burrito, topped with gear oil from the diff, at the resident roach coach I made a call to the only person I know that had a truck, my stepfather. The Gods were smiling indeed and Ed said no problem. This isn�t the sick part.
I am sure plenty of you have had a moment similar to this and can understand my joy. For those of you that haven�t get your butts out to a pull-it-yourself salvage yard every once in a while and you will discover the source of my euphoria.
This is where it gets twisted. I went back today, three weeks later, to get the entire wiring harness for the spare wires and factory connectors. I�m installing a remote start alarm system and wanted to use factory connectors and wire to integrate it. I HATE SPLICE CONNECTORS, it's soldering and shrink tubing on everything! I was really debating about the window and lock harnesses I got three week before. Since I have a two door with a four door wiring harness sitting in my garage I had been wondering what to do. Cut it apart and remove the unnecessary wires or get creative.
BMW never put electric quarter panel windows in a car like you see in the Ford Winstars or Dodge Caravans. That would be so cool! So I went hunting in the American part of Pick�n Pull (truly a repulsive thought) and found a caravan with the complete assemblies still intact. I was hoping for a Winstar (lesser of the two evils) but alas it was Dodge.
I sat down once I had removed one of the units and gave considerable thought to the consequences. Adapting it would be easy; the ramifications of having a dodge part on my car were a little more difficult to deal with. Would my car revolt at the presence of a dodge part? What the hell�I got both of the motor/regulator assemblies for 20 bucks each. Pac Bell will just have to be a little more patient! I�ll just lie to my little mule and tell her they are from a much newer BMW. Good car but very gullible! Got home and hooked them up to the harness, which is sprawled across my workbench, and they worked like a charm.
Earlier today I petitioned in favor of a Bosch alternator over a Chevy one that had been red necked into an e-30 that this fellow had bought. My heart goes out to you man! And now I feel a little bit hypocritical with the Dodge parts sitting in my garage and the templates for the mounting brackets, I�ll have to make, unfolding in my thoughts.
I�ll get over it!
Screw that Chevy alternator, Dude, go Bosch!
That little 318i of mine truly doesn�t deserve me. Now if you think I�m weird for going through all this for just a 84 318i and NOT for putting a dodge part on my car you need to sell your BMW! Yes, the six cylinder was sitting on the ground, already pulled by some one that wanted the transmission. No, I didn�t care; I hate timing belts worst than dodges, design weakness!
And No, I couldn't have made this story any shorter! You were warned! If anyone is interested the quarter panel window motors were out of a mid 80's Dodge caravan town and country with a 2-wire motor like BMW utilizes. It is a cabled remote design with about 3 feet of reach so the motor/regulator can go in the trunk or behind the rear side panel. Drilling will definitely be required. Once I have a successful adapter bracket and covers I will send a bitmap to any one that wants the patterns e-mailed to them. I should be done with everything in a month or so as long as my grades do not nosedive on me.

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