How I Drive My E31 (archive)

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Land O Goshen, I must say it was quite a treat to read the entertaining letter by that nice young man Justin about how he drives his one-of-a-kind E31. I haven't had that much fun since I watched the podiatrist sand off my wife Edna's latest bunion.

Speaking of Edna, she had been after me to replace our 1988 Crown Victoria for some time. And you know how it is when you are married and "The Boss" suggests something. (Ha Ha.) My first choice was a Lincoln Town Car, but you have to walk uphill to get through the parking lot at the dealer and that's quite a bit of effort for me since I have to push my walker and roll my oxygen tank along too. So instead I bought a 1995 850CSi on account the nice gentleman who was selling it said he'd drive it over to our place at Leisure World.

After reading the letters other people sent in here, I was beginning to think that I was the only E31 owner in the entire world who knew how to really drive the heck out of his auto. Why, just the other day I revved that motor up to nearly 2,500 RPMs per minute before I shifted out of first gear. And just to make sure Edna and I got to the cardiologist even faster, I shifted straight to the fourth speed of the six available. (I read in one of those automobile magazines that the Corvette used to do this all by itself, and I figured that if such a fast flivver as the Corvette shifted from first to fourth, it must be the best way to pick up extra special speed.) Another time, I was on my way to Costco pick up another drum of Metamucil when I suddenly found myself exceeding the 55 m.p.h. speed recommended by President Ford at about the same time as we all went to daylight savings time year round so we could make the sun stay up longer every day. That 850CSi sure rides smooth. It's almost as steady as my '49 Packard was. Fortunately, Edna was having her mustache electrified again and she was not around to scold me for wasting gas. (Which is a good thing since I might have ended up sleeping on the davenport again . . . if you know what I mean. And me, with a pocket full of Viagra!) But I must admit, racing along in my exotic German GT car at almost one mile per minute of travel it was quite the thrill to realize the performance potential of my "Beemer." (As the REAL "car guys" say -- wink.)

Thanks for letting me send this letter to all of you people. It is certainly nice to know that I am not the only person who sometimes gets a little frisky when he is driving his 8-series car. If that nice young man Justin is ever in Florida, he should stop by because I would be pleased as punch to give him some pointers on fast driving ideas like my shifting technique and the rest. But don't come on Tuesdays because that's when we go play cards with the old people. You know, they don't get much fun.

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