JOKE: Only in America.... (archive)

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Some indicators that we really are as stupid as we
look:
1.. Only in America... can a pizza get to your house
faster than an
ambulance.
2.. Only in America... are there handicap parking
places in front of a
skating rink.
3.. Only in America... do drugstores make the sick
walk all the way to the
back of the store to get their prescriptions while
healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front.
4.. Only in America... do people order double
cheeseburgers, large fries,
and a diet coke.
5.. Only in America... do banks leave both doors open
and then chain the
pens to the counters.
6.. Only in America... do we leave cars worth
thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7.. Only in America... do we use answering machines to
screen calls and
then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from
someone we didn't want
to talk to in the first place.
8.. Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages
of ten and buns in
packages of ight.
9.. Only in America... do we use the word 'politics'
to describe the
process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and
'tics' meaning
'bloodsucking creatures'.
10.. Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM
machines with Braille
lettering.
In case you needed further proof that the human race
is doomed through
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on
consumer goods:
1.. On a Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping".
[Gee, that's the
only time I have to work on my hair]
2.. On a bag of Fritos: "You could be winner! No
purchase necessary.
Details inside". [Evidently, the shoplifter special]
3.. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like
regular soap." [And that
would be how...?]
4.. On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving
suggestions: Defrost." [But
it's *just* a suggestion]
5.. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of
box): "Do not turn
upside down". [Oops, too late!]
6.. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be
hot after heating".
[As sure as night follows the day . .. ..]
7.. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron
clothes on body". [But
wouldn't this save even more time?]
8.. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive
a car or operate
machinery after taking this medication". [We could do
a lot to reduce the
rate of construction accidents if we could just get
those 5-year-olds with
head-colds off those forklifts.]
9.. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause
drowsiness". [One would hope]
10.. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor
or outdoor use only".
[As opposed to what?]
11.. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for
the other use". [I
gotta admit, I'm curious].
12.. On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts".
[NEWS FLASH]
13.. On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: open packet,
eat nuts." [Step 3:Fly Delta]
14.. On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this
garment does not
render
you able to fly".

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