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ANGRY ANDY WRITES... (archive)

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Posted by Andy T on March 29, 1999 at 02:06:01:



Dear all,

there hasn't been much heartfelt 1.9-bashing for, ooh, about a day now, so the bollocks-to-usefulness ratio has plummeted correspondingly. As this is obviously a totally unacceptable scenario, I submit my own story from HELL by way of lighthearted amusement and with literary acknowledgement to The Upset One and all other vociferous 1.9-bashers.

So there I was, at Tosspot BMW in Lower Bumswold, Middle England, trying to buy a 100,000 mile 750i with a 300 bhp V12, ostensibly to satisfy my cravings for POWER and a masculine desire to KILL and WIN. Well whaddya know, the salesman, a pasty, liberal-looking sum'bitch, gave me the keys to a 318 tds Compact in poverty spec - plastic seats and no windows - and told me to buy it. Well I bought it, and now I'm PISSED! This car is slower than one of those ESCARGOTS! I dropped the clutch at four million rpm and the car STILL wouldn't move forward!!! (OK so I was in neutral). Who the hell told me this car could HANDLE? I went through a hairpin at 70 and the car LEFT THE ROAD and skidded into a field. Why, a 1984 Cutlass Ciera on bald cross-plies handles better'n that! Then, when I stuck it into 1st at like 90 mph going through a school zone, the engine blew up! Hell, I'm gonna SUE! Why does BMW sell me a car that skids into fields faster than a 1984 Cutlass Ciera and blows up when I put it in 1st gear at 90 mph? Jeez, a 'vette doesn't do that and they only cost like 10 BUCKS! So I sold the diesel back to the dealer, and they f**ked me on the trade-in. They f**ked me good, and now I want to RUN 'EM DOWN. I'm gonna get me one of those cheap 10 litre GM cars and drive it through the goddamn SHOWROOM!

And I don't wanna hear stories about how a diesel BMW is faster than a Dodge Viper and outhandles a Ferrari - I DON'T BUY IT! The dealer told me I could smoke a 328i with this mutha, and hey, I BELIEVED him! Now I'm MAD!

I'm gonna get retribution. The diesel Compact SUCKS big-time, and for those of you not wealthy enough to afford the payments on a PROPER car with a BIG engine, due to family concerns or other fanancial commitments of a necessarily restrictive nature, I say GET A JOB you scum-sucking COMMIE!

I thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

ANGRY ANDY (I like the sound of that!)

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